Drowning in Self-Love

I just led a webinar for Fearless and we ruminated on self-love and how to access it. Is there anything more fundamental for our growth as human beings?! Put your oxygen mask on first and all that. Check it out here…

This fell on the heels of a moment with a client who was in despair a few weeks ago. He’d been “working on himself” for a long time - studying, reading, stepping into tension, deep meditations, talking to girls in clubs and coffee shops. And beating himself up all along the way. Nothing was good enough. The "work" wasn't “working.”

“What am I missing?” he asked, “Tell me what to do.”

The answer was clear to me. 

“Stop and love yourself preposterously.”

Damn, that sounded like a bunch of new age woo-woo. I felt embarrassed in the moment. 

We’ve got so much love inside of us - for our friends, our families, women, our passions - and yet we’re always the last in line. And we spend so much time “working on” ourselves so we can attract love (lust, sex, approval, validation) but how much are we really giving ourselves? 

Lester Levenson, founder of the Sedona Method, had a huge shift when he came to this understanding. Early in his life, he believed that the secret to happiness is to receive love. But then he realized that being loved is capricious, our happiness dependent on someone else’s ability to love. But that feeling of happiness could be his anytime when he chose to be loving. So it’s not that big a jump to be loving towards yourself. 

Every time that little voice, your ego, says something in the “not good enough" arena…stop. Stop and observe. Regard the voice as if it’s in a cartoon bubble, coming from a ten-year old who doesn’t even know you. Still feel a little sting? That’s ok. Now bathe that sting with 100% UNREASONABLE AND EMBARRASSING SELF-LOVE. Hell, let it flow over your ego, too. It might feel a little embarrassing at first. Silly and stupid. That’s ok, it’s just new.

If jumping straight to self-love seems impossible, how about a little self-sympathy? “Oh, poor guy. I’m sorry for you and your struggles.” 

Not a bad start. At least you’ve stopped being angry at yourself. But while sympathy is nice, can you feel the pity in it? The victimization? 

Then try some self-empathy. Empathy is, “I get it. I understand. I’ve been there.” 

Wait! How the hell can we feel empathy towards ourselves? Isn’t empathy experiencing the feelings of others? Isn’t self-empathy just…feeling your own feelings? When you empathize with yourself, you’re not just feeling yourself, you’re feeling yourself feeling yourself. This is a good vortex to get caught up in. You become your own loving observer who understands deeply. 

So how do you know you’re capable of self-love?

Because you’re reading this. 

If you didn’t love yourself, you’d be doing many other things to distract you from your inner discomfort. Maybe even self-injurious things. But instead you’re reading this, curious about how to access self-love.

Which means you’re on your way. 

I hope you can feel that.

Try this on… 

In the video, I guide the audience through a guided self-love meditation. You can follow along with the video or try it yourself now…

Close your eyes and for a few minutes and tell yourself “I love you” over and over. In a sing-songy sort of way. Say it to your tender heart, the innocence inside of you that longs to be loved. And since your subconscious doesn’t know the difference between reality and fantasy, give it good thoughts and intentions. Something magical will happen. Maybe not in the moment or tomorrow, but soon.

If you felt resistance - embarrassment, shame, a sense of brokenness - that’s great! It gives you something new to love! Love your embarrassment, shame and brokenness. It’s just your inner child raising his hand to say, “I’m in pain.” 

Now shift to “I don’t know how to love myself”. Feel the tenderness. Even deeper access to your innocence. That tenderness you feel around “not knowing” is the feeling love towards yourself. Again, you may feel sadness, or frustration, or apathy. There you go. Love that. Whatever arises, love that. 

Thanks. I hope you enjoy the webinar. Oh, and I love you.

Leaving Your Head Behind

We’ve all been there, caught up in our rampant thinking. Sure, it’s trying to be helpful but for the most part, it’s just noise.

You see, your thinking is just thinking. You have a sixty to eighty thousand thoughts in a day. That’s 50 thought a minute! All of this activity made of air, one thought no more true than the next. But they all seem so real! 

And when you see an attractive woman you want to talk to you, I imagine those thoughts bump up to 100 in a minute! Not many of them kind, I’m sure. “She’s busy. I’m busy. She wouldn’t like me. I’m not wearing the right clothes. I’m too old for her. People don’t do things like this. I don’t have to talk to her. I’ll see her again.” This is the freeway pile-up of thoughts in my own head. Sound familiar?

All this thinking makes approaching and connecting with a woman really, really tough. Because you’re not connecting with another person, you’re connecting with your thinking about the other person. All the thinking and planning in the world won’t help you feel grounded, clear and connected.

So I’ve been trying an experiment these days, inspired by fellow Fearless coach, Josh Dodds. Let’s call it Leaving Your Head Behind. 

This is weird but cool.

When you see a woman you’re attracted to, willfully drop all that head energy into your body and put full attention it’s sensations. Your only thoughts should be curiosity about your body.

In that moment, experience your body like it’s not even yours. Then walk towards her. Feel your body. Feel your nerves. Feel your feet walking. (If you have a thought, make it, “Wow, look at my feet walking.”) It might feel like you’re watching a movie featuring your body.

If this feels surreal, good.

Now just start talking. What falls out of your mouth might surprise you.

If you’re still struggling with all your thinking, try simply walking towards women or simply walking in the world, watching and feeling your body move through space.

This approach also works for everything else we think are challenging -  paying bills, doing laundry, making a tough phone call, asking for a raise - all the things we have stories around - “This is hard. This is complicated. This is scary. This is impossible.” We think we need to plan and gird our loins. Which makes it very challenging to start. Just drop into your body, tell your thinking to go fuck itself for a while and start moving. 

So don’t stand there thinking, move forward with feeling. And in that unknown space, you’ll be surprised at what can happen.

Chili Palmer On Presence

I love “Get Shorty”. In this scene, Chili Palmer (John Travolta) is questioned by his girlfriend, Karen, about a recent violent altercation… 

Karen Flores: Weren't you scared back there?

Chili Palmer: You bet.

Karen Flores: You don't act like it.

Chili Palmer: Well, I was scared then, but I'm not scared now. How long do you want me to be scared?

Chili doesn’t carry over the story of the past into his present. 

So be scared when you’re scared. Be at peace when you’re at peace. The rest is a story. 

What If You Were Neither Masculine Nor Feminine

“I don’t want to have feminine energy!”, cried the man who wanted to be more masculine. While the woman cried, “I don’t want to have masculine energy!” who craved deeper femininity.

I get it. The labels masculine and feminine are triggering. Women don’t want to be masculine and men don’t want to be feminine! But there’s something else happening here.

We’ve heard ad nauseam about how we live with both the masculine and feminine energies. Blah blah blah. Supercoach, Michael Neill suggests the reason they’re labeled masculine and feminine is simply because of penises and vaginas. Men have penises which penetrate and thus it’s called masculine energy. The same for women and their vaginas. That’s all!

And it's our resistance to our feminine energy that makes us less masculine. And vice versa. Because we’re less everything! Just like you can’t suppress fear without suppressing joy.

So how would it feel if we strip off the labels? 

Let’s call masculine energy penetrating energy - energy which is forward moving and creative. And let’s call feminine energy receiving - compassionate, listening, feeling.

Guys and gals, feeling a little less triggered now? Let’s keep going. 

I was plenty penetrating in certain parts of my life - building a business and career, climbing mountains, exploring the world. But I fell into my receiving energy (AKA nice guy) when it came to dating, relationships and even sex. Just like the ocean ebbs and flows, our energy shifts at depending on context.

The other day I was talking to an old friend about his struggles. While I was listening, I was in receptive energy - feeling him, empathizing with him, accepting him. When he asked for advice, I was in my penetrating energy - creating, leading, guiding. I never thought “I’m going to step into my masculine.” It flowed from feeling him to guiding him without awareness. 

Looking back, I realize something subtle. When I was asking him probing questions, I was dancing between both energies! I had a thesis which I was guiding him to but I was also open to his reaction. A subtle flow between penetrating and receiving.

As a longtime writer, I live on a teeter-totter of these two dynamics. Do I wait for inspiration (receiving) or do I dive into action (penetrating)? The great writing teacher, William Zinsser, once said, “Thinking isn’t thinking. Writing is thinking.” You don’t know what you think until you move your hands over the keys. And he’s right. On the other hand, sometimes it’s best to sit and watch the clouds go by. 

Writer’s block is merely being stuck in between. So the cure is picking one. Either take a walk or keep writing. You have this binary choice throughout your day. Is it time to feel or is time to act? Simple. (One extremely helpful cure for writer’s block is research. That’s when you’re in your deep curiosity. Like the probing example above, you’re actively seeking because your receiving side wants to be fed.)

The idea for this article popped into my head in the middle of the night as non-resistant receiving energy. Writing it right now is penetrating energy. But even as I write that sentence, I feel myself pause for a moment when a new, unrelated thought pops up. I was receiving in the midst of penetrating!

If we spend all of our time receiving, nothing gets done. Too much time penetrating, we don’t know where we’re going or why. If you spend most of your time watching the world go by, the view never changes. If you spend most of your time in action, the view zips by like you’re on the TGV in France.

Can you feel the subtle balance in yourself right now? You’re reading so that is receptive. You might feel like arguing with me and that’s penetrative. It’s a subtle flow.

A client of mine is an accomplished data scientist and a fine ping-pong player. We spent a lot of time getting him out of his head while feeling his body and his emotions more. And because he could welcome his sadness and fears, he had access to his courage and aggressiveness. It all came together in a big match against a superior player. Never had he played with such aggressiveness, even fury, all because he could feel everything more! (He won, by the way.)

What does this have to do with dating and relationships? Well, everything. Women tell us they want a man who can lead the way, say no and make decisions. But they also want a man who deeply listens, is in touch with his feelings, is caring and compassionate. Men say they want a woman who is sweet and kind and flowing but they also want her to feel her presence and stand up for herself. This is the dance of rapport, feeling and guiding.

So if you’re a “damn the torpedoes” kind of guy, take more moments to check in, be curious about your feelings, your life, the beauty around you. If you’re a “smell the flowers” kind of guy, step into tension, do something unreasonable, leap before you look. 

Start small, dance between both and you’ll be amazed.

Life Lessons from an Unlikely Source - a Politician

I don’t know much about politics or what is good for an entire country comprised of at least fifteen different countries. But I do know I like the spirit and beauty of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the new congresswoman from New York. (Yes, I said beauty. Somebody has to say it. The media is afraid to go there.)

I was watching the inspiring Netflix doc, “Knock Down the House” and damn, that woman is spunky and smart and positive. I’ve never had a crush on a politician before. First time for everything. 

In once scene, AOC was campaigning on the sidewalk with her niece who got a little downhearted that people were not taking her flyers. AOC leaned over and told her, “For every ten rejections, you get one acceptance. And that’s how you win everything.” She said it with such assuredness and positivity. Like she knew she was going to win. Not logically, but in her gut. Maybe if we’re not getting our ten rejections, or we don’t make our ten mistakes, we’re not actually going anywhere.

In another scene she said, “The power out there is an illusion.”, referring to the status quo of both parties. AOC sees through the matrix. Power is in seeing through the illusion. The entire political establishment is built of nothing. It doesn’t exist except as a common agreement. If we stop agreeing, it loses its power and we can create our own realities which reverberate out from us. 

Finally, to a crowd of freshman hopefuls, she said, “In order for one of us to make it through, one hundred of us have to try.” You could feel the feeling of solidarity of hope in the room. This energy will continue into the future.

Goddamn, this girl gives me chills. (No, not sexual. Get your minds out of the gutter…OK, a little bit.)

Soften Your Hunter's Gaze

The pursuit of women in our lives runs the risk of narrowing our vision. We become like hunters, our gaze focused on the prey before us. Are they beautiful enough? Where’s the hot one? Where are the big breasts? Are they too hot for me? Damn, why aren’t I talking to all of them?

There are so many of them! We get overwhelmed by the choice. And being overwhelmed, we run the risk of inaction. 

Maybe we should soften our hunter’s gaze and feel the world around us. Feel the women around us. Let’s look at all the beauties with a sense of curiosity. Who is my girl? Which one? They can’t all be!

Find the girl who pulls you in. The energy will be subtle yet powerful, like meniscus on the edge of a glass. The rest of the beauties are there to admire and flirt with. They are not your girls.

Soften your hunter’s gaze. Turn your intuition towards something more mysterious. Soften your gaze and be curious about who shines. She’ll have a glow, an aura about her. 

And she’ll show up when you’re not hunting. 

And when that one girl shows up, you’ll feel a pull. You can let your courage muscles relax. And you’ll feel your body moving towards her. 

It happened to me the other day. I was at the crazy Bali Spirit Festival in Ubud. The celebration was filled with airy beauties in full flow - headdresses, face paintings, clothing like costumes, the works. So many beautiful women. And yet I found myself not that attracted to any of them. I think it was the spiritual masquerade - so much effort put into the show of spirituality. 

And so I let them pass. Not without some confusion on my part. Was my ego taking me out? I was losing faith. 

But then, I was at a lecture on kundalini sexual healing and connection (yowza). I softened my gaze and gently scanned the crowd, looking past all the bejeweled beauties…

….and there she was, sitting far across the hall, simply dressed in an orange jumper, dark curly hair, big brown eyes, a gently glowing energy. 

I was a bit stunned. Why wasn’t everyone staring at this beauty?

When the lecture was over, we both walked to the exit at the same time. Our eyes met, she smiled shyly and these words fell out of my mouth… “Excuse me, I’m sure many men find all of these women beautiful, but for me, you are the most beautiful.” 

How did this poetry fall out of my mouth?

She lit up and melted a little. Salma was from Egypt. We had a nice chat until her friends showed up and gave her that pulling energy.  I was leaving that night, she was staying. Logistics! But I got her number and we’ll see what the universe has in store for us.

Soften your hunter’s gaze and find the beauty who glows.

Then just follow your feet.