Drowning in Self-Love

I just led a webinar for Fearless and we ruminated on self-love and how to access it. Is there anything more fundamental for our growth as human beings?! Put your oxygen mask on first and all that. Check it out here…

This fell on the heels of a moment with a client who was in despair a few weeks ago. He’d been “working on himself” for a long time - studying, reading, stepping into tension, deep meditations, talking to girls in clubs and coffee shops. And beating himself up all along the way. Nothing was good enough. The "work" wasn't “working.”

“What am I missing?” he asked, “Tell me what to do.”

The answer was clear to me. 

“Stop and love yourself preposterously.”

Damn, that sounded like a bunch of new age woo-woo. I felt embarrassed in the moment. 

We’ve got so much love inside of us - for our friends, our families, women, our passions - and yet we’re always the last in line. And we spend so much time “working on” ourselves so we can attract love (lust, sex, approval, validation) but how much are we really giving ourselves? 

Lester Levenson, founder of the Sedona Method, had a huge shift when he came to this understanding. Early in his life, he believed that the secret to happiness is to receive love. But then he realized that being loved is capricious, our happiness dependent on someone else’s ability to love. But that feeling of happiness could be his anytime when he chose to be loving. So it’s not that big a jump to be loving towards yourself. 

Every time that little voice, your ego, says something in the “not good enough" arena…stop. Stop and observe. Regard the voice as if it’s in a cartoon bubble, coming from a ten-year old who doesn’t even know you. Still feel a little sting? That’s ok. Now bathe that sting with 100% UNREASONABLE AND EMBARRASSING SELF-LOVE. Hell, let it flow over your ego, too. It might feel a little embarrassing at first. Silly and stupid. That’s ok, it’s just new.

If jumping straight to self-love seems impossible, how about a little self-sympathy? “Oh, poor guy. I’m sorry for you and your struggles.” 

Not a bad start. At least you’ve stopped being angry at yourself. But while sympathy is nice, can you feel the pity in it? The victimization? 

Then try some self-empathy. Empathy is, “I get it. I understand. I’ve been there.” 

Wait! How the hell can we feel empathy towards ourselves? Isn’t empathy experiencing the feelings of others? Isn’t self-empathy just…feeling your own feelings? When you empathize with yourself, you’re not just feeling yourself, you’re feeling yourself feeling yourself. This is a good vortex to get caught up in. You become your own loving observer who understands deeply. 

So how do you know you’re capable of self-love?

Because you’re reading this. 

If you didn’t love yourself, you’d be doing many other things to distract you from your inner discomfort. Maybe even self-injurious things. But instead you’re reading this, curious about how to access self-love.

Which means you’re on your way. 

I hope you can feel that.

Try this on… 

In the video, I guide the audience through a guided self-love meditation. You can follow along with the video or try it yourself now…

Close your eyes and for a few minutes and tell yourself “I love you” over and over. In a sing-songy sort of way. Say it to your tender heart, the innocence inside of you that longs to be loved. And since your subconscious doesn’t know the difference between reality and fantasy, give it good thoughts and intentions. Something magical will happen. Maybe not in the moment or tomorrow, but soon.

If you felt resistance - embarrassment, shame, a sense of brokenness - that’s great! It gives you something new to love! Love your embarrassment, shame and brokenness. It’s just your inner child raising his hand to say, “I’m in pain.” 

Now shift to “I don’t know how to love myself”. Feel the tenderness. Even deeper access to your innocence. That tenderness you feel around “not knowing” is the feeling love towards yourself. Again, you may feel sadness, or frustration, or apathy. There you go. Love that. Whatever arises, love that. 

Thanks. I hope you enjoy the webinar. Oh, and I love you.